The Best Shoes in the World

To understand my dear child,
don't be irrational; don't be wild,
don't shout, don't react, be ladylike and kind,
before you utter the words, you must rewind,
put yourself in the shoes of the other,
not an enemy not a foe, he is a brother.

Growing up in a matriarchal environment coupled with my convent based educational foundation meant that no moral was left to be imparted, no age old adage was left untold and an ideal girl for an ideal world was quite successfully created. What my foundation makers conveniently forgot though was- the world isn't ideal and it was never going to be. However, they were doing their best to fit me in the mould, they expected me to follow footsteps and become human gold.
I guess the fact that I was indeed the black sheep of the family had sunk in even before somebody had vocalised it and established it, hence disagreeing with almost all came very naturally to me. However, I still kept my third eye closed for almost 15 years, where I led a life influenced by bookish knowledge and a cocoon like exposure, nodding and following as much as I could, as much as my heart allowed which did seem to show signs of breaking by the time I was 16/17. So I tried my best to be a good daughter, a good grandchild and a good sister, all by virtue of being a conformist. According to the elders , it was the 'right' thing ( it's funny how they didn't see grey, it was ALWAYS black and white with absolutely no scope of tints and shades ). This foundation of mine, which lay upon all possible 'right things' written in books led to the occurrence of two things-
1- It made me appreciate and put in effort into my academics, despite the fact that I was pressurised and taunted and compared and complained about.
2- It made me become so generous and morally upright that by the time it was time to take an independent decision, I was busy putting myself in someone else's shoes and thinking what's best for the other ( as the joy of giving is incomparable ).
I was always emphatically told that more often than anything, the fault is always and should always be mine- this was right. When someone fought with me, I was to apologise, when someone threatened me, I was supposed to back out, when someone didn't have food, I was to offer mine, if someone disappointed me, then I was to feel sorry for the person as there must have been some reason which I was unaware of. The story just continued to the extent that whenever anyone else was involved in the matter, I was always to be more patient, understanding, giving, serving, honest etc. The rule became clearer after practicing - the other person was always right, and I was always to bend. This realisation which almost turned to a fact made me give everyone I came in contact with many a benefits of doubt. So I would keep standing and offer others space, I would offer my clothes to someone who needed them more, I would complete the assigned work and offer others a much needed break.
Little did I know, that apart from the people I understood to be sufferers, they were also people beyond this, they were mere takers. They came, they sought, they got and they bid adieu, knowingly or unknowingly . While coming in contact with this kind, I realised the feel good factor was somehow diminishing and the feel-used factor was gradually on the rise. While I was busy putting and somehow struggling and fitting myself in possibly all sorts of shoes, my pair of shoes were being trampled upon mercilessly while they lay unworn by anyone.
Even today, at my silver jubilee age, I struggle hard not to think about the other person first, it almost seemed like an innate quality for quite a while. Thankfully I am at a junction of my life where I am open to changing, shaping myself differently in exchange for betterment of any kind. I realised that while the will to serve with a smile and do so willingly with enthusiasm may be highly appreciated, it definitely cannot be offered to anyone and everyone.

Before putting myself in everyone's shoes so eagerly, I need to understand , appreciate and compliment my own shoes as well. Concluding that everyone's shoes are more wear worthy than mine is foolish, and thus I plan to stay in my shoes for as long as I can. My shoes have their pros and they have their cons but guess what ? My shoes are the best shoes in the whole wide world.

The Hills call the Ill

Being independently functional often comes at a cost, for most the cost being health and wellbeing.
It's been 6 years since I left the mollycoddled world of my hometown , being hit harsh by reality and thus realising how the world actually functioned. For most situations, putting a humorous twist to the scene with a 'take it in your stride' attitude does the trick but there are some exceptions.
For me , one of these exceptions is being sick, falling ill and being at physical discomfort. I feel this reduces my efficiency and makes me dependent, something I have managed to not be after some substantial struggle.
Now take my current situation, a new city, coupled with bad weather, joining hands with the absence of friends and last but not the least- the end of the month with a pocket oh-so-light to all come together and put me in the best of moods. My current situation was worsened by the fact that I fell ill- a time when I am certainly at my vulnerable best. Unfortunately, Mumbai as a city does not support the vulnerable, it only supports the fittest.
I feel this is perhaps the worst city to fall ill in, unless and until you are a localite. If you are a localite, the blood might just prove to be thicker than water. However, if you destiny has been super kind to send you here, be prepared to face it all, because if you don't, you must fall. When one is sick, one seeks warmth, comfort and serenity but this city offers none. Sometimes what can heal a diseased soul is merely the love and affection which lies nowhere but in the arms of a beloved but alas, this city will not allow you to do so. You will always find distances, routines & expenses interfere with whatever it is you seek, especially when you are vulnerable. My fears which I had before coming here haunt me sometimes, making me feel I am not ready yet, to take it all on. For a person who is not sure if climbing the corporate ladder can be chosen over a soul fulfilling lifestyle, this definitely is not the city.
As I try to stay young, that being the only thing which apparently encourages people to strive with a smile, I sometimes hear the call of the whistling leaves up in Dehradun, the wooden parquet of the house in the hills at Nainital, the inviting and refreshing whiff of the mountain breeze in Manali all inviting me with open arms and a pacifying smile. What brings solace to me is the fact that perhaps my youth may be lost among the hullabaloo of the city life, the hills stay young ever ready to accept me and absorb me within their cozy multilayered snow capped selves- dead or alive. 

The Best/Worst Day of my Life

He came, he shattered and he went away like a wisp.
He did what no man was allowed to do, what some had done before but not better than him.
His doing couldn't be undone, his doing may never be undone.

Imagine if you have dreamt of climbing a mountain for a long time in your life. You have dreamt, aspired, anticipated, planned, played it out mentally, thought and spoken about it. You save up for years, you almost make an unrealistic fantasy in your mind as it seems almost impossible to achieve, and you finally decide to make it happen. You buy just the right shoes, and you pack just the right stuff, you gear up just well enough and begin your journey with an undeterred spirit and a heart full of glowing hope and aspirations. The journey begins well, you are excited with the progress, each step makes the wait even more worthwhile as the excitement of finally reaching the summit is taking over you. Gradually, you reach the final step and the summit awaits in all of its glory once you are atop.
As soon as you set your first foot on the mountain top, you breathe in and wish to take in this experience to the best of of lung capacity and before that first breath is complete, you get imbalanced and come tumbling down. All the way down, tumbling down to your very beginning. How would you feel ?

On the 10th of October, I was fortunate enough to be alive and had the opportunity of witnessing my favourite artist on stage. Skrillex aka Sony Moore has been the godfather of Dubstep ever since the genre emerged & I have been a die hard fan ever since Dubstep was introduced to India. It would only make sense for me to go and attend his magically charged live performance if and when he decided to come to India after my daily writings on his social media wall, my regular liking of all his pictures and sometimes creepily close stalking all of his activities. I was beyond ecstatic upon hearing the news of his arrival, the emotion resembled the one Rakhi experienced upon the return of the reincarnated versions of Karan and Arjun ( Bollywood reference ). It seemed like finally I had something to look forward to after a very long time and finally something noteworthy and 100% happy was happening. A day was about to approach which required immense 'planning', my adrenalin rush off late.
I began preparations very soon after the announcement of his performance became public, shopping and finding the best gear/ accessories for my 'gig' look, booking my tickets as soon as they were available, ironing my clothes two months in advance, beginning the countdown in my journal and much more. The 10th did seem too good to be true but the pinch marks were a standing testimony to the fact that even at 25, one can feel like a school girl in the presence of her first crush.
Never had I ever imagined in my weirdest, wildest or most baffling dreams what would or could happen on that day. When some tragedy takes place amidst all regular occurrences, it is a surprise, it is a sad incident, it is unexpected and disappointing but when something bad strikes you at a point where you had expected to be greeted by the best, it is indeed an indescribable feeling.
An artist of a magnitude as majestic as Skrillex called for not one, not two but 4 opening acts. Four of the best indian DJs entertained and warmed the stage while the maestro waited for his turn, the final showdown. I was happy, I was so full of one consistent emotion ( gratitude/glee) which is a rarity for me until that second when he came on stage. I had made my way through a crowd of sweaty, trippy and sozzled males who thankfully did not indulge in the expected- misdemeanour. As soon as I saw him take his first step on stage, I turned to take my phone out of my purse so as to capture the historical moment. It was time, it was here and I couldn't believe it was happening and I was watching it happen. The very moment he came on stage, I turned to take out my phone and upon opening my purse realised that my wallet containing my cash, credit and debit cards, identity card, house keys and a few other things was missing. Panic, mayhem, pandemonium and chaos surrounded me and I in my misery sought this readily available company amidst a crowd that was brimming with energy and happiness.

I felt my entrails and my physical being be torn, I could see and sense the shreds inside me go in two different directions. Never in my life have I felt so equally divided with no bias towards any emotion. I was shocked, sad, angry at someone flicking my wallet, this being absolutely undeserved and uncalled for with the icing on the cake being the timing- the exact second that I saw him, for the very first time in my life. I was joyous as what I had waited for for coming true but I was so heart broken at the mini tragedy which had struck. After turning every possible stone that I could come across, I couldn't accept or face the fact that something SO opposite to what I had anticipated had happened. Frustration combined with helplessness and an undying feeling of loss surely invited the waterworks which did not seem to stop till the next day. I do not say this just for the effect but this was the worst heart break of my entire life. I have never been hurt as much as I was that day, ironically by someone who was God like for me but had no role to play in this entire episode.

Sometimes when you build a certain set of expectations and attach too many emotions to it, something huge is destined to come out of it, it is a make or break situation. I have always kept my emotions to a minimum after having being disappointed a LOT as a child but I couldn't control myself this time. I have felt a personal connection with S, perhaps because the timeline of my discovery of his music matched exactly with a major transformation stage in my life. I have undergone and emerged out of a personal struggle while Skrillex soothed my soul during an episode of mental turbulence. It was impossible for me not to be attached to him. I know my love maybe too much, but I idolize him and there are no two ways about it.

After emerging from any strife in my life, I tend to channelise all my energy in appreciating the beauty of the learnings/lessons which have come out of it. This day was an exception.