Suppressed words

In each of us burns a fire; strong, deep and bright which serves as the driving force of life. Suppression, incessant and repetitive, is a feeling of your inner fire being slowly but noticeably getting wiped out. Is it the calm before the mighty storm, or is it the silence after the fire has consumed and burned down one’s being from the inside?

I like to believe every boy who ever came into my life, left with a impactful gift. Maybe it’s just me trying to focus only at the silver lining real hard, and maybe it’s just the spree of gratitude that I have suddenly decided to embark upon.

My very first crush in school was the vocalist of a boy band with the highly sexy initials of RA. While I clearly and smoothly fell into the bracket of clichéd teen girls, I felt myself being overtaken by an overwhelming feeling. To me the feeling was love, which it clearly wasn’t- a realisation 100% clear by now. The idea of infatuation and of the chase of something almost unattainable was a romanticised one. Life felt like a movie, where sequences were emotionally and 'hormonally' charged.

I like to believe RA exited my life, giving me the gift of rock. With the coming in and passage of his presence, I discovered introspection. Teenage angst coupled with feelings close to love was the perfect combination to make me delve deep, into a pool I was just experiencing for the very first time. While anthems of Linkin Park, Three days grace, 3 doors down, Nickelback, Green Day and Slipknot became the rush giving substances, the iPod succeeded the Walkman and helped me continue my newfound addiction. As RA slowly became devoid of my mental space, the genre latched onto me like nothing ever before. Maybe Matt Walst was voicing my inner feelings, feelings which had become used to suppression and lack of acknowledgement. Hearing the loud sounds was like a release, each drum beat a hit, each guitar string echoing wails of helplessness, each head bang a united cry of all souls sad and broken by their troubled teenage. The rock bands probably instilled us with something we had been craving all this while, but had no idea how to instil and conquer. They gave us power to know and understand what freedom and expression meant, the rebels in us had started a mental mosh pit already, getting rid of all that was inside.

To this day, almost 10 years later, I find myself returning to my world of rock music, closing the mild sounds of the world outside, and concentrating on the sounds banging at the doors of my eardrum. Music has not only helped me create my fool’s paradise, it has helped me say and convey many things which the tongue has failed to. My best bet in life till date is my word, and even my best bet has failed me sometimes, falling prey to deaf audiences. My word is my weapon, my word is my shield, my word is my cocoon, my word is my offering.

I would like to quote my younger and troubled self to conclude- I stopped talking because no one was listening, I started writing because maybe someday someone would read. 

The Pupil’s Wandering Thoughts

As a child when one is brought up in a very conventional way, listening to morning prayers by the house elders, learning about morals and manners at kindergarten, going to the best educational institutes to imbibe the best that books have to offer, it seems like it’s all a preparation for a smooth life ahead.

Teachers repeatedly tell their beloved pupils- all must be kind, all must be giving, all must be grateful and polite. Being in a convent throughout my school life just meant that all those lessons were imparted at a deeper level by teachers and nuns whose thought process was as pure and pious as the Virgin Mary herself. “Sharing is good, waiting for your turn is must, and being truthful is everyone’s calling in life”. The teachings became pillars of strength for the future, the biggest support coming in the form of words, “ The Universe is just, and as my heart breaks into pieces, the Universe is taking care of me”.

Skip to 15 years later, the same pupil with a tag stating she’s an adult, in the big bad city trying to understand where the people around are from and where they have imbibed their values from.  It seems like everybody is impatient, everybody is out there for the upper hand and no one knows what kindness or gratitude is. The pupil tells herself, “The world is big, the people are many in number and diversity is beautiful. Not everyone comes from the same place and the same school as her, it’s natural and realistic.” The same logic is reiterated with every introspection that happens in the next few years, at least five to six times a day. Life goes on, she is still breathing and care has thus been taken.

Then comes a day comes where she feels cheated, she is unprepared for what the world has to offer, her cocoon seems far-far away from where she is, and the voices of her teachers echo in her mind, “Be kind, be grateful, be truthful”. The others seem to be so alien, so strange to her ways and the world she belongs to, a feeling of being alone is experienced for the very first time. During childhood, looking up to her elders for taking lead was a reflex, where each time they have all come and wrapped her around in a warm blanket of familiarity, protective boundaries and walls of defense so high that even the world’s biggest disasters seemed miniscule. Today she looks around in all directions, knowing very well that her heroes are not around, some lost in ashes in time, but still desperate to hold on to even a little piece of the same familiarity which she may stumble upon by luck. Where is the Lord’s mighty hand, I need it she thinks, Holy is His name, His kingdom cometh, His will is being done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Will I be given my daily bread; will I be forgiven for my sins as I forgive all who sin against me? My Dear Father, will I be delivered off all the evil?

The Universe is generous, what goes around, comes back to us and if our palms are open spreading love to all, will we get the love back? The pupil who’s now an adult thinks of her father for the very first time, where is he , would he protect me, would he be my savior today? The pupil wishes to wage a war against the ashes that have stolen her elders, where is my Grandfather she asks, is he around? I know he is, the winds and waters tell me so. The pupil seems stuck in a place where going forth or coming back doesn’t seem like an option, independence of thoughts and actions seems far away where she can’t reach and going back is not realistic the home she misses is no longer a home. The sharp mind often gets caught in a siege laid by its own existence.

Celebrating Independence the Millennial Way

It’s been almost 70 years since the nation was set free of the rule of Britishers and we have since enjoyed the term and celebrations that have come along with it. What continues to still perplex my senses is the fact that the word ‘independence’ holds different meanings to different people, especially in a colorful nation as ours. The interpretations go much beyond the three colors which compose the flag, stretching from literal to philosophical to ethereal to experiential and beyond.

What is true freedom/independence?

I grew up seeing Independence Day as being synonymous to flag hoisting both at school and at home. The school ceremony also involved skits each year where senior students would enact the story of freedom fighters, which the teachers hoped would instil us with love and pride for the nation. We also had a marching competition among the four different houses yellow; red; green and blue, ending with a prize ceremony for the excellently done march by the respective house.

At home, we would sometimes take part in the talent competitions that would be organised by the colony heads, comprising of art; elocution and poetry where each child would show utmost enthusiasm and a zest to win. As I delve deep to understand the kind of emotion the aforesaid filled me with, I am a little confused. Yes I was educated well about the turn of events as it took place, knowing about the heroes and their sacrifices, but I do not think there was more to it back then. Well yes, it was not possible for me at 12 to understand and think of independence as freedom the way that I am thinking of it now at the double figured age.

Today, to the millennial mindset, freedom means so much, beginning with embracing one’s own self in the weird moulded shape that we are, along with embracing the others in their true evolutionary manner as well. The digital media to most provides a liberty to express and impress and get rid of our distress, the keypad making us all feel like warriors in a textual world. Freedom includes understanding what the constitution has granted each one of us- freedom of expression & speech; of assembly without arms; of forming associations; of moving freely throughout or Indian territory; of residing anywhere and of practicing any profession. Once the understanding comes, acceptance and interpretation follow and then comes the practice.

Our generation struggles with so much, most of it with our own kind, the previous generations to whom we seem utterly rebellious and non-conforming. As the generation gap widens, we see the beauty in difference and they see the distance growing bigger, scaring them of what lies beyond the narrow limits within which they have lived their entire lifetime. We the explorers trying to discover the unknown, our thoughts wandering off the edges of the world; our dreams coming alive in a parallel universe and our souls mating in kaleidoscopic dimensions. The taboos of the older times have become the bible of some today, the unsaid or curtailed from before has now become a popular topic of debate and what scared earlier has now become worth sharing only to pave paths of growth for future.

As we gradually move forward, in our mundane lives, almost unnoticeably we millennials are bringing about a revolution. We are coming out in the open, honestly displaying the many colors beyond the black and white, craving more and pushing ourselves to achieve that and creating new meanings to terms like independence and happiness that were once perhaps only flat and 2D in nature.  We are asking questions, unafraid of the answers, getting hurt and standing up again, and yet going on unperturbed because that is what liberty is.  The freedom to move on or stop, the freedom to choose, to be there for ourselves and each other, to be vocal and let go, to get angry and tear down monuments of stone, to be ecstatic and build castles of candy and believe that everything is possible.

We are not idealists, we know how the world has functioned in the past, we are just people who believe it’s not too late to create one of our own and escape sometimes. We are travellers, traversing and creating stories of our own, not giving up but trying to create something as close to Utopia as possible, with the knowledge that Utopia is a fantasy.

Weekend getaways, flower bands during gigs, tattooed hearts and our lives in poetry are what make us today’s millennials – free to celebrate who we are. We are afraid sometimes, and we do break down, we laugh until our heads spin and we always do is- GO ON !

So here’s wishing everyone a very Happy Independence Day ! Power to all who are one of the aforesaid, celebrate your freedom and go on doing what you are, it's unique and beautiful and free just the way it's meant to be. 

Priorities of life OR why I left my last job

The term ‘ corporate ladder ‘ had always fascinated me as a kid. I watched and heard my mother repeatedly say how she never wanted to climb the upward way on it, only to become a more indulged workaholic with the passing years. The amazement didn’t end anytime soon, the world of careers and work routines seemed like ‘the’ place to get lost in, as it unleashed a land worth exchanging your current boring layman life with.

As 18 years flew by, I found myself in an unnoticeable manner, moving into this new world. I started working before I could complete my graduation, when most of my peers were living the mollycoddled life. I was pursuing a bachelors degree in Fashion Communication at Symbiosis, Pune, and to the girl from Lucknow it seemed like a land of opportunities awaiting to be taken up. During the third year, I could not contain myself anymore and approached the General Manager of a popular hangout in the proximity of our college campus. To my utmost surprise, I was allowed to come on board as a small time executive and that's how things kick started for me. To this day, I remain indebted to him for letting me start my journey, even though it may have been of very less value to him. My day started at 7 o'clock in the morning, only to end at 1 or 2 at night. I would finish lectures by 4:30 and rush to work , reaching in a sweaty but enthusiastic state. I liked the thrill of my fight against time, the adrenaline seemed to be multiplying at a happy rate. To me, a successful day was when all tasks were completed within 24 hours, more than quality, quantity had to be focused upon, it was only and only about reaching the finishing line.

As my next job began, and the first official offer letter came, I could almost feel my feet land on the first step of my very long way up the ‘corporate’ ladder. Once again, I was hired even before I received my graduate degree. Coming from a small town, this was quite an encouraging pat on my back. My mother had told me if I wished to stay out and not return to where I was from, I needed a job to sustain myself and I decided to take this instruction seriously. With referrals and word of mouth, I stumbled upon an opportunity of working with a bigger brand at a better position with a larger team. At that moment I got what I wanted, and delivered what was asked for- life was good.

As time passed, I completed one year with my team and decided to get back to studies to become better at what I was doing. I bid adieu to my sweet team and wonderful boss, to become a brand ambassador for life and to move on. Public Relations, the field that I was entering, was about communication and I felt the need to equip myself with basic knowledge before I could start owning it at work. Little did I know that it takes much more than that to 'own it' anywhere in the industry, naivete was still a part of my personality back then. Xavier Institute of Communications in Mumbai was where I applied, and got in to realize that it was definitely one of the best educational institutes of the country. With some of the finest names in the industry as our faculty, we were taught in a unique and extremely enlightening way, finishing with a complete change of perspective about PR and Corporate Communications.

One month later, I started my third job at a world renowned PR agency, which felt like an absolute up-scaling of my career graph. However since there was an industry change, I was hired at a lower salary, at a lower designation and a lot more work than before. I agreed thinking of it as a learning opportunity and considering that youth was the time to embrace all professional struggles.
Today as I sit, having resigned after just 3 months at this company, I know of one lesson which the people out there taught me- there is a fine line between learning and exploitation and we must know where to draw it. Since day 1 I was put under a lot of pressure, having to take the onus of something which I didn't even start/ ideate about, having to be the last person to leave the office, spending lunch time with my desktop and phone and of course being a one man army at all times. Come to think of it, my last company taught me a second lesson as well- the boss is the biggest touch point of the company with the employee, if she/he fails , it's hatred towards a larger party for the aforesaid reason. Being given a business card which stated a higher designation than the one I was appointed as, an act which reeked of slyness just added fuel to the fire. With time my work pressure increased, having to work and know more things in 3 months than I was supposed to by the end of one year and with zero team support. The more I worked alone, the more I felt like I was stuck among laggards, having to deal with last minute projects, more demands of perfection and no division of work at all. Since my schooldays, I had the habit of advance preparation, drawing timelines; working with step based goals; discussing; brainstorming and then producing the final result. I remember thinking that if my seniors were my school mates , I would have never worked with them in a group project. The zest in me to be productive was slowly being overtaken by the thought- is it worth it ? At a point where I felt all value additions to this relationship were taking place from my end, I decided to gift myself a better life and I resigned. Being called a 'trainee' but being given the work which 3 senior levels were supposed to do, being paid peanuts in exchange for weight loss/ dark circles and depression, working under a person who had a bad work ethic and spending more hours in the washroom crying as opposed to having food at the table ultimately took a toll on me. I could feel myself shutting down, being meek, vocally inexpressive and feeling lost. I needed to get back to who I was, the one who was positive, enthusiastic, strong & determined and I knew exactly where to go- home.

Sometimes we fail to see how things have a negative impact on us, and we subconsciously curtail it with some positive angle to make ourselves believe all is good. We try and try because it is forward movement and we overlook everything else only to deliver what is being asked in a relentless pursuit of approvals. What we need to remember and constantly revise is that nothing is more important than the well being of our soul and heart. More than the body and the mind, my soul and heart were at work trying to be productive in a genuine and feel good way. The consent and encouragement that I was seeking from my seniors at work came to me from my clients, which perhaps made these 3 months slightly better. Looking back at my sojourn, I feel I met a few good people ( thank you law of karma ) and I became more aware of human nature. After all that transpired,Ii must remember- there are no regrets in life, only lessons .

The New Age Affordability and other questions

Being a millennial comes with its own set of pros and cons, and one of the biggest cons is not being able to draw a comparison. The generations before us clearly were not as dynamic or as pressurized, they were not exposed to so many things which kinda saved from from so much, they did not have access to multiple media and people hence enveloping their world with limits.

Today, we are exposed. It is hard to escape the constant influx of information which is being thrown at you. Being socially absent is a taboo, the antisocial are tagged as 'bad influences'.  Hence one is exposed himself/herself and exposed to diverse capacities.

One of the most evolved concepts or terminologies which comes to my mind is that of 'affordability'. I remember the time when the purchase of things was sometimes based on the price tag it had. Today things have drastically changed, where our credit cards allow us to surpass our immediate monetary limits. Our lives have become so cluttered that even before one things of the expenditure, one must decide and plan the date and time to make the purchase. Everyone's schedules must be matched, coordination and synergy must be achieved and once that happens, people go ahead and spend.

Has today's concept of affordability changed to the unit of time ?

We constantly run out of time, we are chasing deadlines which are incredibly challenging and require more from us than our bodies would allow. When we do manage to get time, our peers and loved ones are on their individual travails making it difficult to enjoy togetherness. I feel the biggest frustration is caused when one can afford some asset in terms of money, but not in terms of life.

Climbing up the corporate ladder often leads to one completely forgetting the beauty of a random zigzag trail. Yes, both involve effort but what is more satisfying in terms of the soul's happiness?

What is the measurement of the quality of our life? Is the person who has flooding bank accounts but a lonesome dinner before sleep successful ? Is the person who has no money, big dreams, youth and a heart full of wanderlust the new-age winner ?

Or is it just us millennials just constantly trying to chase a better life thinking of all these things?
Yes, questions have multiple answers and while most of survive in the grey, to many a men the colors are still clear white and black. People still feel more sure footed while being completely white or black, while very consciously avoiding the grey.

But that's the thing, we are not just 'people', we are the supernovas who are creating an evolution and a revolution at the same time. We are the millennials who are asking questions and discovering answers, we are erasing boundaries and not defining them, we are taking risks and finding new meanings to 'happiness'.

5 things I learnt after leaving home

I remember moving out of my bubble wrapped life in the year 2010. It's been six long years and sometimes one needs to remind oneself of the boons and overlook the banes, in order to go further in his/her journey. Hence this is my attempt of boosting the morales of many a people, all of whom have left the first memory of familiarity behind in a safer place.

1) Patience is INDEED a virtue, only time is the solution to betterment of a few things/circumstances
No matter how much we try to capture the ever falling sands in our palms, the ticking clock just doesn't stop for anyone. As we try and struggle and feel impatient, we must understand and accept that battles are not won, successful strategies are not drafted and morbid events are not recovered from over a night. Many a tears, efforts and arguments may go into the making of something which is the bigger picture in the end. Forward movement is a process which needs to be done with an aim in mind.

2) Great education makes ALL the difference in the world
I consider myself nothing less than blessed, having been a part of some of the most excellent educational institutes in India. Education and independence are somethings my grandma always emphasized upon, and if the females of my family have been successful in anyway, it is only by believing in the vision that my grandmother had for us. Ensuring we all went to the best schools, studied and completed our work on time, and aimed at improvement even with a 92% in board exams was something she did proactively. Today, when I come across people in the big and modern city of Mumbai,who face a certain challenge with appropriate and correct grammar usage, the first thought to cross my mind is 'thank you nani'.

3) Sometimes the biggest problems are solved by a calming brief chat
Yes, I am a personal who gets hassled by work and it's unstoppable demands from me. I am that person who already tries to deliver more than promised, without being told to do so. Hence if the opposite party asks me to push myself further, it does make me spend sleepless nights thinking how can I give a 100% satisfactory output? I have realized 'workaholics in the making' have the above mentioned symptoms, hence before the panic button is pressed by me in my mind, I try to put it out there and get back any reaction which comes. In 10 out of 10 cases, the person's chilled out and take it easy attitude does the trick, reminding me- it is only a big deal if you make one out of it. 

4) It is human to goof up, the world doesn't end there
Do we need to understand the gravity of certain situations? Yes.
Do we need to guilt trip ourselves over a small error? NO
Having beaten myself over and over again for the slightest mistakes, I realized it wasn't making any difference to anyone. The errors were all which could be redressed, there was no loss of life and it was looked into proactively. Beyond adopting corrective measure, it is truly upon us to react/respond to the problem at hand. We are allowed to be calm in a crisis, and move on after the moment has passed- IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY and besides, perfection is boring.

5) In the end my Darling, you've got to be your own hero
We were taught to be independent in our family, travel alone; complete our set of chores; be self sufficient in as many ways as possible but all of this with the strong backing of the beloved 'familia'. Yes I was the youngest, hence most mollycoddled as well but after stepping out I realised that it was time to grow up. Adulting took the longest time (I know for sure it will take years to master) but taking care of my own being was something which surprised me and continues to do so even now. Falling sick has been truly the worst till now, it makes me grumpy and cranky like a kid till but I realised  and ultimately accepted that apart from your known and numbered loved ones, everyone else has a selfish/ulterior objective of functioning in this world.

Ruskin my love, you sing my soul's song

Here's wishing Ruskin Bond a belated Happy Birthday !

For the very first time, I am borrowing content for my blog. But before you start getting all oh-dayum, do note that what follows is by one of my favourite authors, and that each single line has triggered some memory or the other from the 25 very eventful years of my life. So here you go, hope this helps you heal a little for starters. I grew up in Rusty's world and it feels great to go back there sometimes...through Bond's words.

On your birthday, I would like to thank you Ruskin Bond, for providing a caressing summer breeze from Mussoorie in the scorching heat of my Lucknow dog days and for unknowingly adding to my love of nature.

Find the original athttp://www.scoopwhoop.com/Quotes-By-Ruskin-Bond?ref=social&type=fb&b=0

R.I.P.

Today we are so into the modern world ,connected by wires visible and invisible, that it is difficult to imagine a world which was before.
Amidst those times of simplicity, rose a boy from a tiny village from U.P. Walking bare feet for 16 kms daily for education, escaping farming sessions with the dogmatic elders , surviving with a basic t-shirt during the north Indian winters were just a few things which were the 'regular accepted' ways of life for him . Fascinated by the English language which he had been exposed to in bits and pieces made it appear exotic and this man decided to discover it more. Trapped in a closed world, he knew he had to make difficult choices if he was to build a life for himself and he didn't know if he could.
So the little boy dreamt that day, of growing up and becoming a professor of the English language, of imparting the same magical knowledge to more and making them educated. He knew he would have to leave behind all that he had seen and known but he decided to take that risk. The ways of the city, the appearances and struggles were all alien to him, but after all fearlessness ran in the family.

Today I sit and wonder how all of this was possible back then when today we spend so much time contemplating and planning and being careful, losing so much action time. The story of the little boy is not a fictional one, it is the story of my grandfather , Mr.Vasudev Pandey. As I sit back and reminisce after his heavenly abode, I see achievement written all over his journey. Coming to the city, building a palatial house ;a family;a name for himself was a dream which came true for him, and paved the way for ours in the family. Always standing for his beliefs without any hesitation, his peers felt inspired by him and his students were in absolute reverence till the very end. I remember my mother telling me the story of how the DCP of our city handed over his revolver to my granddad telling him to use it to scare off people when they came to threaten him, but my granddad's valour was the only weapon he needed. He never hesitated, he always went for it and he did it with no fear in his heart.

If he has left us, it is only with inspiration, positivity, a never dying spirit and his voice which will tell us that there is no need to be scared, we just need to keep moving forward with purity happiness and belief in our hearts. From someone who achieved so much, he was an extremely humble and sweet fellow. Never did I ever hear him talk of himself or of the feathers in his cap, which seems so rare these days as most people go about selling themselves in day to day situations, with a genuine belief of being perfect. My granddad was a man of strength, fighting till the very end with his brave heart even the toughest enemy of all - time. His struggle was synonymous with his achievements as he never stopped but kept pushing himself forward.

Hence, if this incident has given me something , it is an 'energy', a 'passion', a deeply soothing fearlessness which pushes me to live the rest of my life without being afraid. I may go wrong, I may go right, but the important part is to keep evolving.

I love you Papaji, and I always will.

The Moral Update

It is quite a dichotomous world that we are thriving and striving in today.
Social media gets updated quite regularly with the hypocritical ideologies that have been accepted as societal guidelines by most, and welcomed and embraced by Team- Dogma. Off late, Gen Y has decided to shed some light upon how our belief system is flawed, about how unconscious we are with regard to the rules and regulations we abide to.
I am guessing most people must have come across posts/tweets/messages that talk of how on the one hand wearing a crop top is unacceptable but a tube blouse and sari works perfectly. These are examples of how our thought process is biased and closed to correction by anyone who is not a part of them-  a non conformist who is obviously indecent and a threat to society
On the other hand, we have a society that wants to be technologically updated, globalized, harmonious and cross cultural in nature so as to create the most magnificent melting pot that ever was. We wish to be perceived as intellectual;intelligent; updated; knowledgeable and game changers of our generation.

A passing thought turned into an inspiration for this post, and I thought...maybe in this age of evolution and revolution, we need to update something that all of us have had in our lives since our minds learnt to grasp and understand- MORALS ! I know one can't help but think 'preach mode on' right now, but I have to be honest to the prospective nun that lives in me since the time I left Loreto Convent. In our generation, here are few things that can be commonly diagnosed-

• The feeling of being so much more intelligent than the rest
• The feeling of being the most doomed
• The feeling of escaping to a better land  (maybe Tomorrowland )

And in the time when most people and websites shall claim to offer you the best info on updates and novelties which promise to make your life better, here is Bajstar listing down for you some words/emotions/traits/qualities that you may want to update-

1. Humility

      2. Integrity

       3. Loyalty

      

      4.Obedience

     5. Sensitivity

      6. Empathy

      7. Respect

     8. Courtesy

       9.  Sincerity

     10.  Genuineness

To our 1st

When the morning skies light up the sun,

when the salty sea breeze is on the run, 

when lightning strikes and fills the heart with fear,

when the clouds come pouring upon us down here,

my body and soul is thinking of you babe,

my heart in deprivation, losing its shape.

I wonder how it was before when I knew you not,

up above felt dead dark, the sun scorching hot,

but now it all seems to blossom bright with beauty,

the days are all calm, the nights not so moody,

each passing whiff of wind, caressing gently the cheek,

the rowdy raging summer sun, now warm and meek,

My love, my darling, how your touch has transformed all,

I know I went tumbling, but I loved this very fall,

you bring out the best in me and all around,

the pure sparkle of your eyes, nowhere else can be found,

I want to say how thankful I am,

Be mine now, forever be my man.