While ferociously reacting to a domino in motion today (metaphorically
of course), I realised my reaction had deeper roots than I had thought.
Before I go and add the self-deprecating humour to the sad part, I would
definitely like to highlight that fact that each reaction according to my
philosophy has not one stimulus but a series of stimuli to trace back. So what happened twenty minutes back was quite
a colourful concoction of my deep love and affection for the city of Pune, my behavioral
pattern which is very similar to that of a control freak, the long list of
disappointments that I have faced as a child and the fact that I am overtly self-dependent
leading to a severe lack of reliance on anyone else.
Why I must do this is quite clear, because expression
definitely helps in healing, ‘self’ healing to be extremely precise since yet
again I try to emerge as the one woman army that I have been functioning as for
the past 2 decades or so.
Let’s commence the elaboration
upon the ingredients, number one being my deep love for Pune. Back in the day (
7 years ago to be exact ), I had just left my super cocooned life and come to
the city of Pune with beautiful preconceived notions in my mind ( not being
sarcastic at all here ). I had heard it was a cosmopolitan city, with a young and dynamic demographic, and upon realising that it was true,I had my 'yabadabadoo' moment. Year one turned out to be a mixed one where I shed a few tears in memory of the long foregone 'mollycoddling', but a series of awkward bonding activities and drinking sessions help me discover new people who were not so bad after all. By the second semester, I had fallen for the new territory and I knew the fall was hard. Festivals and birthdays no longer seemed important enugh to book a flight back home, phone bills suddenly went low and the little Alice in me finally felt a sense of belonging in the big bad world. Six years later there was a natural progression of my feelings, quite a rare phenomenon, and I knew in my heart if it was anywhere that I could get a minuscule amount of peace, it was here. Elaborating upon the magnificent surprise that Pune turned out to be is another story for another day, but to sum up it was the place where I found some of my best friends, where I discovered facets to my own personality which were hidden under layers of consciousness, lost some very important things and gained things which have now become integral to my existence.
The second ingredient is actually a distant family relative of the third ingredient. My transformation to a control freak happened when I was a child. Perceiving the family adults as the ones who were always on top of their game led me to push myself and compete with the world, to seldom give myself the credit and more often beat myself down for not having emerged as top of the class just like the others did. Little did I know that my heroes were just as broken as an average human being, and the fact that they had their own set of flaws came as a tough reality check to me. By that time it was too late and the 'competitive' gene had developed abnormally to transform me into this person who just had to perform well, and stressing out was the only way to achieve. Failure WAS NOT AN OPTION, because nothing below 90% was ever acceptable. The following guidelines defined me as a teenager and in the most rebellious phase of human existence, I spent time schooling myself to become the geometric shape that everybody applauded as opposed to the abstract art piece I was born as.
-TRY AND TRY UNTIL YOU SUCCEED
-THE INTELLIGENT ACHIEVE JUST BY PERCEIVING SIGNS
-THE AVERAGE ARE SHUNNED BY SOCIETY AND SOCIETY IS THE KING OF THE CASTLE
- THE GOOD REMAIN PURE EVEN WHEN TESTED BY TIMES, PEOPLE AND TEMPTATION
- WE ALL MUST LOVE GOD ( Only the Hindu ones ) AND HIS WILL TRANSLATES TO CUSTOMS AND TRADITIONS
There were more, but I have clearly let go of some and my healing process has thankfully begun.
The third ingredient is something, which I can't fully understand because I don't know who invented it or who is to be held responsible for it. Having a single mother who took her own natural time to get over her tween wounds did not pave a very smooth path for me as a child. Her healing process was of utmost importance, and that meant all my emotions; feelings; thoughts; questions had to be suppressed because she took precedence over me, always. I loved her and all I wanted was to help her be happy. Each outing which resulted in a cancellation of plans led to severe disappointment internally, which was never ever vented out. Each festival where the neighbours and their children celebrated with a lot of gusto was sometimes acknowledged with howls and fights in our house. I can remember being very confused, and distracting myself with my drawing book and colors.
The fourth ingredient, very interestingly, is a combination of the second and the third factor. In Pune I realised that I could be happy, it was possible and I then began my journey of absolute self reliance. Starting with scouting for houses, shifting in, finding suitable boys, looking for job opportunities, getting admission in universities, calculating monthly expenses to shifting cities, figuring out the way of life in the concrete jungle called Bombay, finding a new job here, struggling to feel complacent, nursing one's own fracture and last but not the least dealing with cops for an elongated period of almost 30 days was all a one woman job. I was alive, and as the saying goes I was stronger, almost metallic.
Today when I look back, there are so many things that haven't received closure, a 'must-do' according to most movies that I watch. While in most situations I have found distractions, I failed to notice how this subconsciously turned me to an escapist. While I was running away from most things, looking to find a better place which would be as satisfying and delightful as Pune had turned out to be exhausting. My face had aged, my soul had broken down and my body had become thin.
I know I have gone through a lot, and it is now that I am finally finding peace with the person that I am. At this age, I have come to accept myself the way I am, with my twisted traits and psychotic thoughts. For the very first time in my life, I have finally started putting myself first before anything or anyone else ( this happened a month back ). While the people who have been the latest additions to my life may feel it's a tad selfish, what I have learnt till now is the following-
- IT'S ONLY A BIG DEAL IF YOU MAKE ONE OUT OF IT
- THOSE WHO MATTER DONT MIND AND THOSE WHO MIND DONT MATTER
- THE HIGHER YOU GO, THE MORE LONELY YOU SHALL BE
- MUSIC IS THE TRUE ESSENCE OF LIFE
- IF YOU CAN FIND JUST ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO GETS YOU, YOU ARE HOME
So here I am, in a pickle yet again to understand what I can do to make things better ( a battle I love to wage on a daily basis ). While I write my own destiny and define my own Universe, I have decided to let go of NONE of my traits. I shall be as beautifully flawed as I am, stubborn to the point of challenging the most patient human being, as blunt as this life has been to me, as child like as I was at kindergarten and as brave as my grandmother taught me to be. I will laugh with my wide jaw, let my frizzy hair fly with the wind, drink and make merry to forget everything the next day, and jump with joy upon conquering the corporate world one day.
Happiness has become an obligation and needless to say the conformist in me MUST OBLIGE !
The second ingredient is actually a distant family relative of the third ingredient. My transformation to a control freak happened when I was a child. Perceiving the family adults as the ones who were always on top of their game led me to push myself and compete with the world, to seldom give myself the credit and more often beat myself down for not having emerged as top of the class just like the others did. Little did I know that my heroes were just as broken as an average human being, and the fact that they had their own set of flaws came as a tough reality check to me. By that time it was too late and the 'competitive' gene had developed abnormally to transform me into this person who just had to perform well, and stressing out was the only way to achieve. Failure WAS NOT AN OPTION, because nothing below 90% was ever acceptable. The following guidelines defined me as a teenager and in the most rebellious phase of human existence, I spent time schooling myself to become the geometric shape that everybody applauded as opposed to the abstract art piece I was born as.
-TRY AND TRY UNTIL YOU SUCCEED
-THE INTELLIGENT ACHIEVE JUST BY PERCEIVING SIGNS
-THE AVERAGE ARE SHUNNED BY SOCIETY AND SOCIETY IS THE KING OF THE CASTLE
- THE GOOD REMAIN PURE EVEN WHEN TESTED BY TIMES, PEOPLE AND TEMPTATION
- WE ALL MUST LOVE GOD ( Only the Hindu ones ) AND HIS WILL TRANSLATES TO CUSTOMS AND TRADITIONS
There were more, but I have clearly let go of some and my healing process has thankfully begun.
The third ingredient is something, which I can't fully understand because I don't know who invented it or who is to be held responsible for it. Having a single mother who took her own natural time to get over her tween wounds did not pave a very smooth path for me as a child. Her healing process was of utmost importance, and that meant all my emotions; feelings; thoughts; questions had to be suppressed because she took precedence over me, always. I loved her and all I wanted was to help her be happy. Each outing which resulted in a cancellation of plans led to severe disappointment internally, which was never ever vented out. Each festival where the neighbours and their children celebrated with a lot of gusto was sometimes acknowledged with howls and fights in our house. I can remember being very confused, and distracting myself with my drawing book and colors.
The fourth ingredient, very interestingly, is a combination of the second and the third factor. In Pune I realised that I could be happy, it was possible and I then began my journey of absolute self reliance. Starting with scouting for houses, shifting in, finding suitable boys, looking for job opportunities, getting admission in universities, calculating monthly expenses to shifting cities, figuring out the way of life in the concrete jungle called Bombay, finding a new job here, struggling to feel complacent, nursing one's own fracture and last but not the least dealing with cops for an elongated period of almost 30 days was all a one woman job. I was alive, and as the saying goes I was stronger, almost metallic.
Today when I look back, there are so many things that haven't received closure, a 'must-do' according to most movies that I watch. While in most situations I have found distractions, I failed to notice how this subconsciously turned me to an escapist. While I was running away from most things, looking to find a better place which would be as satisfying and delightful as Pune had turned out to be exhausting. My face had aged, my soul had broken down and my body had become thin.
I know I have gone through a lot, and it is now that I am finally finding peace with the person that I am. At this age, I have come to accept myself the way I am, with my twisted traits and psychotic thoughts. For the very first time in my life, I have finally started putting myself first before anything or anyone else ( this happened a month back ). While the people who have been the latest additions to my life may feel it's a tad selfish, what I have learnt till now is the following-
- IT'S ONLY A BIG DEAL IF YOU MAKE ONE OUT OF IT
- THOSE WHO MATTER DONT MIND AND THOSE WHO MIND DONT MATTER
- THE HIGHER YOU GO, THE MORE LONELY YOU SHALL BE
- MUSIC IS THE TRUE ESSENCE OF LIFE
- IF YOU CAN FIND JUST ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO GETS YOU, YOU ARE HOME
So here I am, in a pickle yet again to understand what I can do to make things better ( a battle I love to wage on a daily basis ). While I write my own destiny and define my own Universe, I have decided to let go of NONE of my traits. I shall be as beautifully flawed as I am, stubborn to the point of challenging the most patient human being, as blunt as this life has been to me, as child like as I was at kindergarten and as brave as my grandmother taught me to be. I will laugh with my wide jaw, let my frizzy hair fly with the wind, drink and make merry to forget everything the next day, and jump with joy upon conquering the corporate world one day.
Happiness has become an obligation and needless to say the conformist in me MUST OBLIGE !
